No News is Good News

There is definitely a reason that America's youth gets its news from the Daily Show and Stephen Colbert--and it isn't just this friendly face on my desktop every day:


It's because regular news sucks. If it isn't funny, it just makes you angry. If you couldn't guess, I went ahead and scanned my headlines on my homepage today. My homepage looks like this:

Yeah, that's Garfield. What? I like to start my day with some fat cat humor. Deal with it.

Anyway, just in those Chicago Tribune headlines we've got two stories about sickness (both subtly implying that at any time, the entire human race could be wiped out by disease), a story about old women getting it on (also a downer, because apparently they can't do it without this new drug which won't hit the market for two years), a death, and a story about bad parenting.

The last one kills me. Some woman gave her kindergartener a mohawk, and when his school complained, she decided to transfer him. The kid goes to a school where they have to wear uniforms and his mother is surprised that mohawks are frowned upon. And instead of giving him a haircut that won't get him beat up, she puts him in a different school. He's 5! The haircut isn't his idea! This woman is obviously insane and should have her children taken away. Seriously.

There were only two stories out of my 30 headlines that didn't infuriate me. One was about a Presbyterian minister who wants the church to perform same-sex marriages. I'm all for that, and every time I see one of these types of stories it seems like progress is slowly being made.

The second was about the catastrophe that is sure to be the Beijing Olympics. I know that it's wrong, but I just never tire of reading what a huge disaster it's going to be. Someone seriously should have made the whole thing into a reality show. It could have started when they won the bid and run for like 5 seasons. The latest issue is that the city is basically out of water, which sucks, but we still get classic, communist-upbringing quotes like this:

"For two years we've haven't used water for rice, because it's been given to Beijing," said Yu Zhongxin, 56, of Ciyingzi, a village of small houses deep in the mountains by the Hei river, which feeds Beijing's main reservoir.

"But the individual interest submits to the state interests," he said. "I have no objection. I support it for the success of the 2008 Olympics. China must win!"

The guy is a farmer with no water, and he thinks the Olympics are good. China is the most ridiculous place, and therefore, demands to be televised. Is there any chance network exec's read my blog? Spread the word readers.

The Apprentice: Beijing Olympics
Real World China
Extreme Makeover: Olympics Edition
The Biggest Loser (of natural resources)

The possibilities are endless!!!!

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